This Snowman Should've Just Melted in the Sun... ("Movie Monday")

"Movie Monday"...

“If you’re gonna butcher something, you might as well butcher the $h*t out of it,” must’ve been director Tomas Alfredson’s mantra during the making of “The Snowman”… because there is No. Other. Way. to explain how a project with this much potential—based on a Scandi-noir bestseller! with legit star power! Scorcese!—could’ve gone so tragically wrong.

Seriously, this adaptation of Jo Nesbø’s thriller goes wrong, right out of the gate. In the first scene, a boy calls another character “Jonas” (with a hard “j”, like saying the word “joy”). What’s wrong with that, you ask? Well, nothing… if this film were set somewhere in America (which it isn’t), or if Jonas and the boy in question were Americans (which they aren’t). No, “The Snowman” takes place in Norway, with almost-entirely Norwegian characters (including these two), meaning “Jonas” would’ve rolled off the boy’s tongue with a “y” sound (as in the word “yo-yo”). An off-putting directorial choice, which—as it turns out—merely sets the tone for most of what follows.

A similarly-irksome decision (especially for someone like me, who's been reading Jo Nesbø’s books for years)? To Anglicize the pronunciation of the main character’s (played by Michael Fassbender) name. Again, the dude is Norwegian. That means his name—Harry Hole—shouldn’t be pronounced the way it would be in English. (The mispronunciation isn’t even for a spot of juvenile humor; there’s no gaggle of 10-year-old lads running about giggling at “Hairy Hole”, here.) The correct way to say his name—in a film about Norwegians, set in Norway—is “Hah-ree Hoo-leh”.

Speaking of Fassbender, and his portrayal of a character who is, by rights, pretty damn messed up (in Nesbø’s books)… there’s no real sense that Harry’s an alcoholic—who’s more off-the-wagon than on—nor that he is (or at least, has been) a great detective (which is the only reason his drunken binges are tolerated). Fassbender’s performance is all flat affect, and how he ever reaches conclusions regarding the case is something to which only he is privy (because the viewer is most definitely left in the dark). Again, I’m laying this at the director’s feet, because we’ve seen Fassbender deliver so much more. 

Which brings me to the next bit of weirdness, hereafter called “Val Kilmer”.

1). Val Kilmer looks, well… let’s just leave it at “odd”. (Purportedly he was dealing with cancer at the time, which is totally understandable. Doesn’t mean he should’ve been filmed during his illness, though.)

2). Val Kilmer sounds worse than he looks. (So much so, apparently, that he was dubbed. BADLY. And any time you need to describe something as “badly dubbed”? It’s not good.)

3). Val Kilmer’s character is never firmly established… leaving the viewer unsure about what’s going on, whenever he’s onscreen. (Helpful not-really-a-spoiler note? All of his character’s scenes actually took place in the past.)

4). There is NO REASON for either Mr. Kilmer OR his character to be in this film. (See points 1-3 above, if still unclear.)

While we’re on the subject of superfluous characters in the filmed version of “The Snowman”, we’ve gotta mention J.K. Simmons, as philanthropist Arve Stop. Simmons is one of those actors who generally mesmerizes, whether he’s playing good or bad, likable or reprehensible. Here, he isn’t given enough screen time—or enough purpose—to let him do what he does so well. Yet again, a ridiculous waste of an actor’s talents. 

So, what did I like in “The Snowman”? Norway. Filmed entirely in Norway, the outdoor scenes, at least, are visually breathtaking, and there’s some nice camera work throughout. 

Am I miffed that I sat through such a lackluster portrayal? Nah, not really. (Again, Norway. I’ve been a sucker for far-northern places and snowy scenery since the womb, probably.) Plus, there’s the whole business of showing support for genres you enjoy; the movie studios need to feel they’re gonna make their money back, or they’ll pass projects right by. 

[For a much-better adaptation of one of Jo Nesbø's books, check out my previous review of the film "Headhunters", here... and if you want to read my review of the book on which it's based, see what I said about Headhunters here...) 

You know what I’m gonna do now? Reread The Snowman (and remind myself how good the source material actually is). :) 

~GlamKitty

[Note: Originally, Martin Scorsese was slated to direct, but wound up with an executive producer credit. Seems telling, eh?]